Equal and equal likes to join. We find the foreign as an exciting enrichment. What makes you “equal” to me, and what makes me “strange” to you?
It is a question of depth motivation that leads us to similar or different views. What moves us from childhood in the depths of the soul gives rise to feelings of fear or joy. What moves you?
People want to live. You and I have existential basic needs, the fulfillment of which is vital. You must pay attention to your safety, eat, drink and sleep – but also grow, learn, conquer new worlds. Since we are community beings, you have to be seen and recognized – but you also have to adapt, communicate and belong. Everything at the same time does not work. I prefer to stand on a stage where I can be seen well. And I love adventures that help me to conquer new worlds. How about you?
If you love to be recognized for something new like me, then we will like each other. If you pay more attention to security and love good contacts, we will both complement each other perfectly.
The basic needs are natural conflicts
It would all be so easy if there weren’t differences between and within us. But that would be powerless and the end of the development of mankind and every individual human being. Energy is created by differences. It needs at least two differently charged poles.
The first conflict: growth or security (red or green)
enforcement: If you want to live, you have to grow, open up new possibilities and try something that was not possible before. The willingness to fight is also necessary in order to achieve what is necessary for oneself and one’s partners. Those who renounce this basic need will not even learn to walk, let alone be able to start a family later.
Security: Everything new harbours risks. Those who put themselves in danger perish in it. Those who do not pay attention to their own lives will quickly lose them. You have to be vigilant and thoughtful if you want to get through life safely.
The task: You can’t stay in your safe cave and conquer a new, unknown land in an adventurous way at the same time. Nevertheless, both needs must be met if we are to live and reproduce. Discover your possibilities and limits.
The synergy: A successful interaction of these natural “opponents” leads to the attitude of a strategist. With these two opposites in the inner team or in the partnership, we feel comfortable when we can make progress on the basis of clear guidelines. The inner tension between the poles of security and enforcement ensures regulated developments. Dynamic changes, unknown paths or new tasks entail risks. The strategist takes a close look at these, because he does not want to take on any unnecessary dangers. He therefore searches for possible rules and security possibilities to be able to go his way controlled.
The second conflict: individuality or belonging (blue or yellow)
Individuality: If you want to get your rights, you have to stand out from the others somehow. You have to take care of yourself (this begins shortly after birth with a strong cry) and show that “you are there”. An acclaimed star shows best that he exists. Nevertheless, self-reference often seems introverted, because only the essentials are communicated to the outside, because one has more to do with taking care of oneself (one’s own perfection).
belonging: In contrast, the need for belonging strives in a different direction. As social beings, we live in dependence on parents, partners, companies, etc. Without a common language, without coordinated behaviors, we would not be able to integrate – and as total outsiders would have no chance to live. This need for belonging promotes communication, after all one wants to be a part of it.
The task: Individualisation requires self-reference; belonging, on the other hand, requires relating to the community. Both are vital for survival. Find the right balance for you.
The synergy: individuality and integration/adaptability complement each other to form a “coordinator”. The needs to be both an integrated member of a team and to shine with individual success determine thinking and feeling in the inner team or in the partnership. The change between the closeness to the competitors and the necessary distance to concentrate on things is a good basis for the coordination of joint projects. Within human networks, the coordinator orients himself towards the specified goals for his material and personnel decisions. He or she is usually oriented towards the present and structures, without forgetting the aspects of personal relationships. Wishes for recognition and fears of rejection influence his decisions. He strives for compromises as sustainable agreements.
The third conflict: Empathy or cognition (white or black)
Empathy: This refers to the need to empathize with other people and the environment to such an extent that we understand them “from within”. In relation to ourselves this means that we want to be accepted as we (our feelings) are. The first experiences of mutual empathy happen before birth. Anyone who sees people growing up in emotional relationships knows that empathy is indispensable for the life of the soul. Even for strong adults, the lack of compassion is unbearable in the long run (solitary confinement, etc.).
Recognition: In contrast, there is the need to perceive people and objects “from the outside” and to be able to distinguish them from each other. After a few months at the latest, an infant begins to differentiate between parents and strangers. This requires a certain inner and outer distance. The need for knowledge is also existential, because without seeing the way (or at least feeling it) one would not be able to orient oneself anywhere.
The task: Empathy requires absolute closeness – knowledge, on the other hand, requires the separating distance. Both needs are indispensable, but cannot be satisfied at the same time. It only works alternately. Allow knowledge if you feel and give the feeling a chance if you recognize something clearly.
The synergy: With this change thinking and feeling determine the personality. This corresponds to the basic attitude of a mediator. Abstract thinking enables the naming of complex processes through language, an accurate perception of human complexity requires empathy, because pure knowledge or logic is far too crude to grasp what moves or hinders fellow human beings. Rationality and emotionality enable the mediator to deal with his environment in a sensitive yet well thought-out way. This is how the typical characteristics of mediators or diplomats are formed.
On the way to each other
Synergy occurs when different forces are aligned to the same. This is true for the inner team and for both of us, when we live and work together as partners privately or professionally.
- We feel, recognize and accept the different forces within and between us.
- We find a task or sense that is okay for all parties.
- We decide on a common goal.
- We coordinate our actions.